Final Words (for a while)...

We just finished a relationship series at New Hope that was about getting on the same page in the key relationships of life (with a strong focus on our relationship with God and on our relationship with our spouse - for those who are married).  This was a powerful series...although because all relationships are difficult and require ongoing work, for some it was significant because of what they have been through, for others it had more to do with what they are going through, and still others it was related to what they desperately want out of.

Now that we are through these weeks I have a few parting words that I want to share for anyone who wants to do better in current relationships, future relationships, or has a desire to help others in this constant struggle...

1. Speak With A Different Voice!  While I certainly believe God's grace is big and extends to all past relationships and even current relationships that may end, I have been deeply troubled for a long time with how followers of Jesus seem to push the "all grace no obedience" approach to marriages they want out of.  The culture tells us that is fine, as do most others people and angencies.  When facing relational struggles, people need to be encouraged and challenged not given permission to talk.  Since everyone else is giving that permission let's speak with a different voice and help people to have hope in and for their current reality.

2. Don't Take Dating As Serious!  This is not to say "date whoever you want and have fun".  All I mean here is that I have watched far too many people stay in bad dating relationships because of the time invested, thinking that one day a magical switch would flip, making things better automatically.  For some the thinking is "once we are married things will finally change!"  That is true, once people are married things DO CHANGE!  They stop trying to put their best foot forward and behavior diminishes.  Getting married NEVER makes things better all by itself...usually they are more challenging.  So if you are in a bad relationship work on it or get out of it don't get married hoping it is a magic bullet that fixes things, because it doesn't!

3. Take Marriage More Seriously!  It has always peaked my interest to watch as people refused to work on or get out of bad pre-marriage relationships, especially when coupled with the fact that far too many walk away from their marriages.  Getting out of a bad 'we're not married' relationship is good advice.  Taking every possible step to fight for and believe in your marriage is also the right step.  I believe treating every marriage with the weight of a lifelong vow instead of something to be opted out of if our feelings change, is one of the greatest things we could do to positively change our world!   (I would never encourage anyone to feel trapped in an abusive environment where they are worried for their safety - if that is you, moving to a place of safety is both wise and godly!)

4. Start Earlier!  Pushback I always get when I talk about marriage in more permanent and lifelong terms is that I don't understand how bad their marriage is, or that God wants them to be happy, or that they shouldn't have to spend the rest of their life paying for one wrong decision.  ALERT - anyone who ends up married because of only one decision did not spend adequate time before the wedding.  While I have seen instances where a person becomes someone completely different after they were married, it is exponentially more common to see many of the red flags before hand if you have given the relationship any measure of time at all.  We see it all the time...everyone is in such a hurry to get married...they have their valid reasons why they cannot go through premarital counseling.  A little extra time before hand can set you on a better path for the rest of your life...DO NOT SHORT CHANGE THIS PROCESS!

5. Go Longer!  Maybe you saw this link on facebook or twitter (or a friend who loves you sent it your way), and you clicked it in desperation looking for some magic words as a last ditch effort to save your marriage - that you honestly have not been fully engaged in for some time.  The one thing that I want you to know (and I believe God wants you to know) is this...

Whether God hates it or not, you can always end your marriage.  You can always choose to talk away.  BUT you have this one opportunity to give an all out effort to take what you have and make it great!  Go to counseling, choose to believe in your spouse, let your heart soften to the possibility that things can be good for you.  If, after leaving everything on the field, things still don't work, you can sleep at night and come before God knowing you gave it your all.  For a high percentage of you, like me, if you do this you won't end up divorced, you'll end up with a marriage worth far more than you ever thought possible!